I’m having doubts these days. Probably not unusual for most people. I’m not saying I rarely have doubts, but in large measure they tend to be in the background once I have decided on my preferred course of action. But today I sit befuddled.
Let me back up a bit. I know this very intellectual woman … I’m going to call her The Sleeper. Attractive, fit, dynamic in every way, a paragon of intelligence and virtue in her field … I know those sound weird together, but in her field they fit. I have known her for 6+ years and we are pretty good friends. She consults me a fair bit on certain subjects and I like giving her my input. For some inexplicable reason I have never been overly sexually attracted to her. I find myself wondering why.
Which brings me to Bella. Here, too, I am having doubts. I’m not sure I want her anymore. I may. I may not. And I have no idea why the change in my attitude.
Meanwhile, The Sleeper sat opposite me at a group dinner the other evening. Engaging as always, her gaze was largely transfixed on me. I think I positively glowed. She urged me to tell stories as the woman beside her (who strongly resembled Mandy from my past) was also gaga-à-Marty … despite her husband’s being seated directly to my left. Again clouds of doubt were in my mind. I was not “promoting” my stories, I was being urged. Was it really interest, or more simply explained as sexual desire . Let’s face it … I’m actually not that fascinating. It’s not as if I’m Henry Kissinger expounding on Metternich. Now that would be fascinating.
Later in the week The Sleeper was aware I was at a function near her office, and invited me to lunch. She has never done that before. I accepted, of course, and It was lovely. The conversation was easy and relaxed as always. Friendship? Or more? I’m confused. And I am seeing The Sleeper in a more … cough … nuanced light.
I can now picture her naked, kneeling in front of me.
Perhaps this is progress?