Cryptic Logrolling

I’ve thought about things a lot. Rolled it over in my mind a thousand, hell! maybe a million times. Like a lumberjack rolling on a log on the river. Trying to stay on top. How I got it wrong. So so wrong.

How I underestimated. Always the greatest danger, isn’t it?

I thought I knew you pretty well.  The mental abuse. The uncaring. The need for loving and respect. The craving for sexual variety. Being appreciated as a highly sensual being.

Oh I got that right for sure. Aced that target.

I was pretty good there balancing on that log. No matter how fast it rolled. For a while. You certainly were good at keeping me off balance. Testing me the whole time. And I thought I was testing you!

What I didn’t pay enough attention to was your comfort level with stability. And loyalty. And being true and “good”. I never thought those aspects would overrule everything else.

The water was pretty damned cold when I fell off and hit it.

Btw, I could be doing better.

If Somehow The World Were … Different

Time carries on. It inevitably changes things. Us. Time is history … moving. We can fight the motion, but we can never keep up with the result. But moving on without a struggle offends human nature. It’s so … defeatist.

“Sometimes I feel like I’m on the brink,

Because …

I remember how I used to think”

“Would you if I asked?” she queries me.

She wants to know what I’m thinking these days. Where I’m at. Really, where I’m going.

“If you texted me more often, you could find things out,” I say.

“I don’t like to ask”. She infers, “Would I tell her the truth?”

“Yes, I only want to see a peek

But if …

You skirt the questions … I’ll just be weak”

Where once there were no secrets there is now caution and timidity and the fear of seeming weak or needy. Instead of brilliant clarity in the relationship, there now are only shadows. Shadows which hide, grey shadings to mask feelings. An illusory mist to dampen and lubricate previously sharp emotions. A veil concealing the feared imperfections.

While dormant, the intensity is there yet. She fears it. I don’t know whether I should get closer. Or go away.

‘No, it won’t ever be like before

Not now …

The Dark craves always for even more”

 

 

 

Between The Times (5) … Let’s Further Introduce Jessica

jane-fonda-1960s-hairstyle1It’s now way past time to get back to those times. This is a series on our young Marty. Some of the stories that laid the foundation for who he is … or perhaps more accurately, who he thinks he is.

Should you have missed the five introductory pieces, you can visit them here and here and here. And the two most recent episodes (all true by the way) here and here.

You just know Jessica is going to come up again, don’t you … ?

I left off introducing Jessica. Let’s do a quick review. Jessica was Peter’s wife. I had met Peter shortly after my arrival in London. Peter was a work mate of a fellow (Mick) who had befriended me. The crazy part of all this is that I had met Peter in the “City”, the square mile of old London (roughly between Tower Bridge and London Bridge on the north side of the Thames) that at the time housed the major British banks and financial houses. Yet unbelievably, Peter was a habitue of a pub where I tended bar in a far away section of London. The odds of that were catastrophic. No actually, I guess they were providential when you add Jessica to the situation. Are you up with me now?

Jessica would typically come into the pub with Peter on a Friday night. Or perhaps on a Sunday afternoon with their 4 year old daughter while Peter played football (soccer) with his mates on a nearby pitch.

Jessica caught my attention from the very beginning. She was a natural blonde beauty, usually wearing a mini skirt and her hair down and slightly bouffante-style. Think Jane Fonda in Barbarella.  It was the very late 60s after all. Think very Jane Fonda at this time. Small of stature, she nonetheless had a big presence. All heads in the pub turned whenever she came in. I know I wasn’t the only one who thought this … how the hell did Peter … not the best looking man on the planet shall we say … land such a looker like Jessica? Part of the story was their daughter of course. Peter had got Jessica pregnant not long after they had begun dating.

A couple of quick facts here. I was 19. Jessica 25. A much older woman in my eyes. Older, more experienced, more worldly in every way. But I was mesmerized by her.

And she was starting to pay attention to me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Leaving Questions Unanswered

I don’t dream very often. At least not dreams I can remember. But the other night I did and it was very impactful.

I know what was the impetus. I was chatting with someone about thighs earlier in the evening. And you know I really love your thighs. But I’m jumping ahead here.

In the dream you got on all fours. Then turned to look back and gave me your smile to which I inevitably melt. But in the dream that’s not the way I want you. I want you closer. I need you closer. I crave you closer. I can’t live without you closer. I feel as if my existence depends on having you closer.

It’s the intimacy with you I lack. Intimacy is chemistry for me.

These days we have no communication. One by one you cut our channels. This is torture for me, as I am one who needs to communicate several times a day. Suddenly I am exiled to blankness. Nothingness.

Then mysteriously, you added one app with me. But with no warning, you cut that one, too. I am baffled. And hurt.

I kneel behind you. And pull you towards me. Your long, muscular thighs resting on my quads. Taut athletic muscle on taut athletic muscle. Your absolute perfect ass with its firm roundness rests above my crotch, my engorged erection climbing up the small of your back. I begin to feel you as I feel myself.

My hand reaches under and feels your slickness. My palm dampens your landing strip with your own moisture. Then three of my fingers slip inside you. I feel your sigh of pleasure and we begin to reconnect.

I have missed you terribly, the contact, being part of each other’s daily lives. You know I live for this daily rhythm. But my rhythm and routine have changed lately … saying goodbye to old friends and embarking on new challenges. And the progress has been mixed. And it’s been painful. Most everything is difficult these days.

As you rise slightly on your haunches I enter you. We gasp in unison at the sensation, you filled fully by my erection, our bodies finally attached. I move my hand along your firm belly, feeling the ropes of your hard abs. God I love your abs! My other hand reaches for your long, smooth throat and wraps it lovingly. At this moment you are again mine, totally.

Slowly, ever so slowly you inch up and down on me, barely any noticeable movement at all. But I feel you. I sense all your being through every cell in my body.

You just walked away. Convinced that it was the only way for you to carry on … to be a better you. A more devoted you. Even though you were going to surround yourself with all that gave you anguish and misery and brought you down to where I found you, broken. I had thought you were healing, that you would acknowledge it.  But perhaps that only refortified the strength of your convictions.

I know it’s only a dream, but I see you so clearly. Your beautiful mouth opens and your jaw juts just a fraction. Your visage in profile is stunning, a marble Michelangelo in flesh, the depth, the expression to your face mesmerizes. There is no sound … no, this dream is absolutely silent. Your orgasm comes in surging waves as I hold you tightly, passing through you to me, a crescendo that ignites the rocket I have sheathed in you . I, too, then silently climax into the mists of our engagement.

Then you are gone. I awake in a sweat. You have disappeared again.

Why this? Your leaving still unanswered.

 

 

 

A Promise Kept

As I was driving yesterday, the song on the radio flashed my mind back like the Enterprise going into warp drive. The song, the multi-octave range of the voice, its sweetness combined with its power. Theresa did the song even better than the original artist. It was one of her signature pieces.

I suppose the song hit me so hard and sent me reeling back because like then, I’m in a melancholic, reflective frame of mind these days. Then, it was a woman, too. She continued to reject my studied advances even though I knew she welcomed them. And she did eventually come around. If anything, when Marty knows what he wants, he is persistent.

I met Theresa in a European ski club.  She was definitely a torch singer. Her voice was magnetic, and the fact she had a stunning face didn’t hurt the attraction one bit either. She was English, very solidly built, shoulder length dark hair with eyes the color of Yorkshire coal.  I won’t bore you with the courting rituals, just know that they worked. Which was interesting because Theresa did not screw around on the road. She loved her husband deeply, and was devoted to her vocation, so wandering off the path so to speak was a very unusual experience for her. But for several days and nights that week she did.

Poor Robert! He had recently moved to the West Coast, and now we would see each other and play together but once per year. And here was I, abandoning our traditional pub crawling adventures to seduce and be seduced.  He was forced to come up with his own play activities. Robert, of course, well understood.

Each evening I would catch Theresa’s last set at the Club which would be followed by a wild night of sex and wine in her room. I so delivered on the promises she yearned for and couldn’t find at home. And her pillow breasts, sweet, thick lips, and hungry body provided the sexual respites I keenly wanted and needed. We craved what each could deliver, there, and at that time. All through the witching hours of the dark alpine night and through the morning we would have at each other.

Then I would finally arise, return to my room, get ready and meet Robert and the others on the mountain for lunch and a drink, before an afternoon of hard skiing. At the best of times I could barely keep up with him. His technique and finesse were far superior to mine. But I was fit and my legs were strong , so I  could stay with him and the lead group throughout the day. But not this year. My lack of sleep through the week hobbled me on the mountain. It made Robert’s hearty laugh all the more penetrating as he watched me struggle to keep up. I was the butt of his ribald jokes all through every dinner as he inquisitioned me on what happened through the prior night. My silence and knowing, Cheshire cat smile drove him crazy.

Finally the week was done. I was to leave and Theresa’s gig was up. We never delved into each other’s hearts. We dared not. The most hidden part of our lives and souls were not to be exposed. She made me promise to never try to contact her. It was just too dangerous she said. For reasons I’m not certain I fully appreciated at the time. But I was younger then.

And I’ve kept my promise.

Buttons, Toggles, and Switches

She has many outstanding features. Her figure. Her smile. All her physical attributes.

But right now the feature that is setting me off is her nipples. Not mere buttons, they more resemble toggles. Long, dark, and hard. Like on the dashboard of an MG TD.  The difference being that they turn me on, not that I use them to turn something on.

Oh wait, yes I can! And I will.

I’m getting impatient.

Paris Nostalgia

Based on some conversations over the past couple of days, some memories of Paris have come back in a huge deluge. This was during the time of my travels as I was leaving my teens.

The cars on the old Metro lines still had wooden touches. When the doors closed, thin, metallic bars would somersault over to latch the doors, snapping to with a bold clic that could be heard across the carriage. It was practically Edwardian they were so old.

metro21

I was on my way, hopefully to see her again. I was staying at the Auberge de la Jeunesse. We slept in dormitories of 6 or 8 beds and paid 5 francs a night if I remember correctly. It was there I had my first café au lait. In the youth hostel they served it from bowls, along with your croissant. I remember my first taste of the café as if it were yesterday. The smoothness, the richness, which contrasted sharply with the chicory-infused coffee I had been exposed to in England at my last job. This was so delicious.

I had seen her, met her, talked to her the day before. I had caught her eye. She had grasped my fluttering heart. At the first glance she reminded me of Amy, her long, dark hair and relatively short stature served to bring my angst to the fore perhaps. She worked in a record store on the Left Bank. Her name was Françoise.

There is something I need to explain here. About Marty and Gallic women. They have this “thing” … apparently. An affinity for each other. That can turn into an attraction. And then a craving. It is often a full on irresistible force. So it started with Françoise. I’ve named her Françoise because she was a virtual clone of my then favorite French chanteuse, Françoise Hardy. That’s Françoise Hardy at around this time at the top of the post. Now, I’m sure you all can get a good feel for why Marty is drawn to these femmes fatales, but exactly what pulls them Marty’s way remains one big mystery. Perhaps it was the crooked smile or the flashing soft blues, possibly the fractured way he attacked the French language. Who’s to know? Certainly this recipe was much less successful with Teutonic women during my wanderings. They were probably put off by the lack of direction and purpose. Success with them required much greater diligence. But never French-speaking women.

But back to our story. I had entered the record shop the day before and was checking out the available LPs of French artists with whom I was familiar when Françoise approached, asking if I needed some help. One look at her and she was immediately subject to full-on crooked smiles and my best possible version of fractured French.

We hit it off and now I was on my way to visit her near the end of her work shift. We would get a glass of wine, perhaps later dinner … and then who knows?

In short, the wine was good. Dinner was fabulous. I learned that she would soon have her 22nd birthday. She lived at home with her parents.

But the following day she would have off from work. And we would meet at the nearby garret shared by her older sister and boyfriend. I learned more of French music and Françoise became much more knowledgeable about the American music scene than she had been.

And I would learn to make love to a vital, nubile young French woman. Without hesitation, with no prospects of a future.  I would understand that what was offered was but of that moment. Yet it would be timeless and unforgettable.

Françoise was the first French woman I had ever bedded. Fortunately and grâce à Dieu, she would not be the last. When I left Paris 2 days later, I was on a roll.

 

I Can Remember Istanbul … Conclusion

Turkey (and Istanbul) have been often in the news of late. Each mention brings back some strong memories for me. Memories that had been, if not forgotten, deeply archived. This is the conclusion to part 1 which you can find here.

After 15 or 20 minutes we began to stir. We were hungry. And we wanted to explore a little while there was still light.

We exited our dump of a hotel into the the cacophony of the busy street. Automobiles, taxis, trucks, motorcycles, vendors and hawkers with bicycle carts, and dolmuses  everywhere. And pedestrians overcrowding the narrow sidewalks onto the streets.

We had an idea of our direction … we wanted to experience the famous Puddin’ Shop and so meandered through roundabout streets to wend our way there. It was a bit of a disappointment if I remember correctly. Mostly filled with Western wanderers like ourselves, it was hot and overcrowded. The famous bulletin board was difficult to approach. We ate … the soup we had and the honeyed dessert we gobbled were delicious I recall.

Curiosity and hunger sated we began our stroll back to the hotel with a bit of light sightseeing on the way. It was mid afternoon as we walked into the cramped, dusty hotel entrance. We nodded to the desk clerk as we headed up the two flights of stairs to our floor.

As we approached our hotel room door we knew something wasn’t right. The door was slightly ajar! I pushed it fully open … the flimsy lock had been smashed … clothes were strewn about, kits opened, the room trashed.

We looked at each other aghast. Who the hell would want to rob us? There certainly was nothing of value to steal from us, apart from our down sleeping bags. Travel experienced, we, of course, had left no valuables in the room. We carried our passports, cash, and traveller’s cheques, and small camera on us. Unquestionably, our would be robbers had come to the same conclusion.

But I was enraged! This dump of a hotel was small, and nothing like this could happen without notice being taken. I flung myself down the stairway to the front desk. The clerk looked up at me, nonchalantly.

“Yes?” he asked.

I ranted on about the break-in … how it could not happen without someone hearing … what had he seen or heard … who was responsible for this …

He looked at me blankly, nodding his head slowly very occasionally. My fury deepened at the lack of response. Further infuriating was the fact that my rage coupled with my size didn’t faze him in the least. I didn’t intimidate him at all. Clearly he was experienced with this sort of thing. Finally, he shrugged his shoulders and turned away. My angry, frustrated lizard-brain wanted to grab him and shake him out of his inertia. Fortunately, my intelligent side restrained me. I stepped back from the counter and calmed myself.

I hurriedly flew back up the stairs to our room. By this time she had repacked much of our gear into our packs.

“We’re leaving” I said.

“What happened down there? What did the clerk say?”

“Absolutely nothing!” I stammered. “He just shrugged it off.”

“Yes, lets go” she said. “The door’s lock is broken and there’s no way I’m ever going to sleep here.”

After scooping up the last few items remaining, we shouldered our packs and marched out. Across the small square and a few narrow streets over, we checked into another hotel we had previously seen. Though 50% more expensive than the “dump”, it was miles above in class and we hoped, safety.

In the room we put down our packs. Then I hugged her. Tightly. This woman meant more to me at that point in time than any other person in the world.

I undressed her. I guided her to the bed, on all fours. Then I undressed. Her pussy was sopping wet. My cock was rock hard. Fear and tension, excitement and celebration … all had always made us crave each other’s bodies like ravenous fiends. This was no exception.

Wild, connected, deep.

It was probably the final time we ever were so close.

 

 

I Can Remember Istanbul

Turkey (and Istanbul) have been often seen in the news of late. Each mention brings back some strong memories for me. Memories that had been, if not forgotten, deeply archived.

The hitchhiking had been poor from Plovdiv toward the Bulgarian-Turkish border. Not a lot of non-commercial traffic back in those days. But finally, a Turkish couple with relatives in the Plovdiv area had given us a lift through to the border, and just to the other side. They turned for home near Edirne which is not far in from the Turkish frontier. It was late afternoon and for some reason the day had been tiring for us. We decided to pitch our pup tent in an empty field off the road.

It was quite chilly when in the morning we awoke. It was unseasonably cold for an early October morning, with frost on the ground all around us. A quick breakfast of boiled eggs and cups of Nescafé heated on our mini camping gaz stove warmed us quickly.

We expertly packed things up, and not long after beginning, a trucker picked us up and took us right into the beginnings of Istanbul. The trucker’s English was surprisingly good, and his truck a new Mack, so different from the usual Scanias, Mercedes, MANs and DAFs on the road. He explained to us what a dolmus was, how, and which one to take to get us into the heart of Istanbul on the European side.

The hustle and bustle of old Istanbul was, at first impression to our untrained eyes, a cross between Moroccan cities and older European centers. Dirty, noisy, chaotic, exotic, yet organized well enough to permit large crowds of traffic and people to get on with their business.

This was the time of Billy Hayes and Midnight Express, where hashish was everywhere, and Istanbul-Constantinople was, as it had always been, the crossroads between East and West.  It seemed that the majority of travelers were youth like ourselves, on the overland route to Nepal, perhaps India, or even Australia. In Istanbul North Americans and Europeans on their way East would meet up with Aussies and Kiwis coming overland from down under. Notes were shared, advice given, and road stories exchanged, often at The Pudding Shop with its infamous bulletin board. The overland route went through Turkey, Iran, and then through Afghanistan and Pakistan to India. While we primarily hitchhiked, the Magic Bus was a popular and easy way to travel, with a major stop in Istanbul, although it cost much more money than we had, plus we had no definitive destination in mind. We went where we thought the wind was taking us.

Soon enough we settled into a dirt cheap hotel, as at that time we were living on less than than $5 a day for both of us. Though cheap and far from cheerful, the hotel was close to all the action and we could see the Hagia Sophia from our window.  It was early afternoon and despite the gloomy surroundings of the room, we both heaved a sigh of relief as we dropped our gear and flopped onto the low rising bed. As I turned to her, I could see that familiar twinkle arise in her hauntingly beautiful hazel eyes.

“Stand up” I said. She rose to her feet beside the bed.

“Strip!” I lovingly commanded.

She bent over and unlaced her boots. Pried each one off with the opposite foot while she steadied herself with a hand on the nearby wall. Then removed her socks. I saw a wry smile come across her thin lips as she undid her belt and slowly lowered her jeans. She began to unbutton her blue denim work shirt …

“No … now the panties,” I said.

The smile grew wider as she slipped off her dingy-colored panties. I reached over and undid the bottom two buttons of her shirt so I could see the landing strip of her crotch. It was my turn to smile. I put one hand on her ass cheek and moved her toward me. As I raised myself on one elbow at the edge of the bed, her pussy was exactly at face level.  I eased my tongue along her slit and heard her sigh as her knees buckled just oh so slightly as I softly continued my leche.

“Now the rest.” I whispered as I raised my head back up.

She backed up a step and unbuttoned the rest of her shirt. She dropped it to the floor. Then she reached behind and unclasped her bra, releasing her 38Cs from their clothed prison. I took all of her in. In great gulps of soothing visual hydration. My heart stopped in awe.

I rose from the bed and kissed her tenderly. I moved behind her and gently pushed on her back to position her over the bed. As she stood, legs apart, slightly trembling, I removed my own boots and socks, unbuckled my belt and dropped my jeans and underwear to the floor. As I slowly began to fuck her I could hear myself beginning a growl. In tune, she began to moan as each stroke went in deeper, each thrust a little firmer.

“Shush” I breathed as I deliberately upped my pace. I wanted to make it as challenging as possible for her to keep quiet. But the walls were paper thin, and there had been movement in the hall just a few minutes before, so clearly others would hear unless we were careful.

While she continued to moan, her body began trembling and I knew she was oh so close. I reached around, and lifting her head I put my hand across her mouth to muffle her cries. Her eyes were wide as she sobbed into my hand and her torso shook with the impact of her orgasm. I gently eased her head back onto the bed and continued with my thrusting, so very close now myself. With gritted teeth in an attempt to hold down my own noise I emptied into her.

We stayed still for a moment … freed from the frenzy but forever caught in the connection.

Then we laid down above the covers of the bed, me with my shirt still on.

After 15 or 20 minutes we began to stir. We were hungry. And we wanted to explore a little while there was still light.

 

Remembering How To Count – ONE

ali1-sized[1]He was 21. He had met her on day one that he was on the island. But she wasn’t the first woman he dated there. In fact, she was the fourth.  Yes he had met her shortly after his arrival. She was more than pretty enough, and had a body straight out of Hollywood casting with those dazzling breasts and her long, strong muscular legs that an Olympic high jumper would covet. And her eyes were hazel hued, so tantalizing. But he had also met the cutie from North Carolina. And North Carolina was more his usual type, fairly short with shoulder length dark hair. One’s hair was cut short, too short for his liking, just below her ear. And North Carolina’s accent! Who wouldn’t fall off his chair watching a girl that looked like North Carolina, with every word out of her mouth dripping honeyed tones that reverberated like raw lust in the ears.

But in less than a month North Carolina had to go home. The Brat Girl fell into his lap next. It wasn’t too long until she grated him enough that he actually traded her for a roommate’s girl. That lasted a couple of weeks.

All this time One hovered. Not front and center, but peripherally. Around. Part of the group, but clearly her mind was set on him. It wasn’t that long until he knew it.

One wasn’t the first woman who seriously pursued him; 2 years prior he had had significant relationships with two older women. But she was the first younger woman who had wanted him badly … so badly he could see it now in every sinew of her legend-making figure. Her hunger. It was strange … to see it in her … the just below the surface craving … a girl … no, a young gorgeous woman … but still. He could almost smell it. She was making him want to taste it.

He just knew, if he wanted, he would be the first to fuck this 19-year old filly. She was prepared to give it to him. Surrender the cherished virginity she famously flaunted. And a young filly she was.  That slight, tiny awkwardness when she walked … but with all the hints of the gracefulness that was soon to come, stealing your breath like the young Ali McGraw with her movements. One was the first to have that kind of effect on him.

The sex would become extraordinary. One was the first he could teach and show what he knew. And she learned quickly. And well.

And he learned, as well. He learned how to share his soul. For the first time.

He began, too, to learn how to fully appreciate a woman. To drink in and completely immerse himself in all her gifts. How to recognize the starlight in all her features. The beauty in her whole, physical, intellectual, and emotional. One taught him that.

He would use those skills when Five came along.