Over the past couple of days I have been cleaning out my closet. That would be the one between my ears.
It’s difficult to believe that it was almost a year ago that I wrote about Amy, a girlfriend from my high school days. You can find the background on Amy and our meeting last year here, 2nd here, 3rd here, 4th here, and 5th here .
I had a meal and drink with her last week as she was in town again for a conference. We have kept in touch since her last visit, emailing and texting on a regular basis. We are getting to know each other again.
I had very mixed emotions after we met last year. This is a woman I had not seen nor heard from in many decades. A woman I had fantasized about all that time … though admittedly not so much in the past several years. Nonetheless I had had a tender spot in my heart that was always activated even at the mention of her name.
I sort of confused myself. I suspect I could have gone up to her room last year after our drink and something would have happened. I didn’t. I begged off to be sure it didn’t or wouldn’t happen. Why was that? I didn’t want anything to happen, and that definitely bewildered me.
Was I afraid that she would reject me?
No, I don’t think so. The vibes were positive.
Was it because I had this deeply imagined fantasy and didn’t want to risk the chance of reality ruining it?
Had I and/or my thoughts of Amy changed?
And so we met again.
Dare I say, it felt like old times. In the sense that there were no nerves, I felt no pressure. We caught up a bit and chatted about recent dealings with common friends, and what she had on her plate profession-wise. I mostly listened. It was still easy for me to get caught up in the magic of her flashing, deep green eyes. The lilt in her voice.
But that was all. There was no lust for her. Not last year. Not now. The wont had disappeared. And won’t be resurrected.
That long-gripping ghost has finally ceased to haunt me. The mental closet holding my deepest emotional treasures and memories has released one long resident spirit. I have one less obsession.
And let’s be honest. It was an obsession. I can be obsessive. I need to wrap my head around this.
And yes, Amy and I will stay in touch.