Reflections

mirror-man[1]Reflections as I work through my morning workout session.

How could I have? How did I? Why did I? Why do I? Why am I?

Something like this had never happened in a long, long time. This type of love? Its unique characteristics? Never. How on earth did it happen. It should never have. It could never have.

What did I fall for? The contradictions? The deep and the vacuous? The commitment to the difficult and yet always the path of the easy? The mysterious wrapped in the mundane? The passionate with the dismissive? The utterly impossible mated to the profoundly magical? ? Your twists and weaves compared to my directness? The winging, soaring highs bungied to the crashing times of despair?  Simultaneously fascinated and repelled by the all consuming narcissism?

Did I want to teach, yet be open to learn?

I was wary, yet became obsessed.

Perhaps, possibly, maybe. These words our certainty.

Why did I not feel anything at the end? Why am I so emotionless now? Why am I so uncaring? So completely detached.

Questions on a Friday.  Answers in a millennium.

More reflection required.

Ice Floes

The wind, gentle and cool for some time, now feels like it is picking up. In all directions.  It’s not ice cold yet, but I can feel it coming. The temperature is most certainly dropping.  The seasons have changed. As the wind intensifies, the crack that split our common ice floe slowly, steadily, yet inexorably drifts us further apart. The barely noticeable daily current of our lives pushes us further away, as well.  And the wind from the Nor’ Eastericeshelf_01[1] could be chilling you to the bone, I think.

The airport chats, the personal video, in the end rather than expressions of caring and thought, leave us unsatisfied because the point has been either forgotten, or simply lost.

Goodbye.

But Why Would You Lie?

2471696451_81c9547574_o[1]It hurt me when I realized you now only think of me in shades of dark. How did that happen?

You always hated that I wouldn’t let you get away with your notorious double standard. I remember that time you lashed out, and told me I reminded you of your first. You knew that would sting.

I think you really expected I would play nice after that. Change completely for you. Did you really think my logical mind would ever leave the building just because you wished it to? At your convenience?

You liked to chide me because of my logic and analytics. Leave that all behind you lectured. But I can be guided by emotions and intuition, too. So much better than you acknowledge. And I let your emotion and intuition win out in October. Despite the pain it caused us. I never questioned the torrent of tears you shed. I was a rock of support.

Yes, you like your men weak. For a while.The ones you play with. Revel in the control. But the keepers are strong and question you. They don’t let you have your way all the time, like the spoiled girl you feel you ought to be.  They don’t let you always be right. You often just get  lazy with your choice in men. Perhaps it’s because you have had to overcome so much, you tend to reject any more struggle. Until you become bored.

You were never bored with me were you.

But why would you lie? You’ve never really done that before. When I obviously know the truth and my memory unflappable. Did the shock-hurt-regret suddenly overcome your innate ability to coyly fib,  twist and lead away from the truth? You immediately shut down. That only happens when you are extremely upset. And there is no call for that now. We’re way past that point.

Quicksilver

QuicksilverIt will, of course, devastate New Boy when it happens. He believes, and has you convinced, that he accepts this way you are. Since he won’t have to face it for who knows how long, it will just slide below the surface. Never spoken of. Something from the past. You say those needs are now nonexistent. But nobody is fooling anybody.

When you tell Old Boy he is going to be so upset. But he will try to hide it. Your smile and a warm hug will help a bit. He’ll say how happy he is for you and wish you well. And then go away and silently cry. You say Past Boy is happy for you too, and it has given him hope. None of that is true, but I suspect he understands you, and will just bite his tongue and continue to be patient. I don’t know if you plan on telling Young Buck, but if you do I imagine he’ll just shrug his shoulders and nod. He’s been through it at least twice before. While he can never have enough of you, he’s just happy that he gets any. He knows you’ll be back. He knows this part of you.

You made me chuckle when I asked about Forever Boy. You get so defensive when I push your hot buttons. You don’t hide it very well. I get as much from what you don’t say as what you do.

But what is really telling is you actually believe what you told me. For the most part. That’s the thing that took me so long to adjust to. The total conviction you have right up to the reversal. And you are always so convincing and demand the utmost faith. That’s what set us off a year ago. I hadn’t understood it fully.

We’ll see if New Boy can handle it. It will be especially tough since he possesses you like no other has. He may think he is prepared, but time and the stratospheric highs will lull his defenses and inflate his ego. Deep down he trusts you when you say it won’t happen. But it will.

It won’t be pretty.

The Severance

You know I am so much better once I understand. Understanding is everything for me.

I finally put all the pieces together. Perhaps they fit too well. My overthinking and all. The secret you kept from even me. Why we were never going to complete. I didn’t understand that. Why you could never make a commitment to me. I was never able to think it all through. Until now. Here I was thinking you would commit to others, and not me. Yet I knew you loved me.

I know at times you thought you could, but you were always fighting it, and deep down you didn’t want to. You well knew what I wanted from you. What I needed. The others had no such need. You couldn’t let go of that final cord to him. It was the only direct connection that remained in your heart. It was your secret, and I hadn’t fathomed it.

I comprehend now why this year was different. Why more tears over the roses. That confused me. I knew it had nothing to do with me. But what, then?

It had only come out with him. You didn’t want to reveal that. It was a loss of control and that’s why the story was never finished. But now you had decided to sever that last unique linkage. Just not with me. I always knew you needed it. It was deeply buried within your soul and I sensed it from the beginning. As we grew closer I felt it even more. Every time we squabbled and you came back even closer, it was reinforced. With the right man it would come out. You would blossom. I had hoped I would be that man. But it is another. That is less important than you. You are taking an important step in your recovery and I love that you have. You will be better because it is your missing piece. And finally you are adding it.The puzzle is done. Paradoxically it is liberating, part of the freedom you so long to have.

Seducing Annie (II)

See Part I here

I awoke around noon. It was Friday and the convention was over but I had arranged to stay an extra day to relax. After a quick lunch, I headed poolside for a brief swim and for some rays for my badly hung over and tired body.. After my dip I stretched out on the chaise and relaxed in the warm sunshine. Probably a half hour or so later I awoke from a  light nap and heard some women chatting in the pool. As I casually opened my eyes, I immediately saw it was the cutie from the night before talking with a friend in the water. “Ah, yes” I remembered. Her name was Annie. Almost in the same instant she gave me a smile from the water and swam over to the edge of the pool nearest me. She was wearing a black one piece, but her tits were just perfect. 36c for sure. Full, round, and tight.

In her language she asked “So, are you quite recovered from this morning? I didn’t think I’d see you so early”.

Pretty much tongue-tied I smiled back wanly. “Oh, I’m ok. A little tired. How are you?”

“I’m fine” she replied. “It’s my day off. But you don’t look so good” she said with a wink.

We chatted some more. The words from both of us began to come more easily. She definitely was enjoying our conversation. I mentioned that I was going for a run to clear my had a little later … maybe 5 or 6 miles. Annie told me the small cute village up the road from the hotel was just about 3 miles.

“Great”, I said. “There and back will be perfect.”

And with that she said good bye and swam off to be again with her friend. I grabbed my towel, headed back to the room to change into my running gear.

See Part III here

Seducing Annie (1)

I was recently thinking fondly about Annie, a past lover. I met Annie many years ago at a convention where English was not readily spoken. Several of my colleagues and I were out on the town very late, and as we returned to the hotel, walking past the front desk, I noticed this very attractive woman behind the counter. She was smiling at us as we passed.

I stopped in my tracks, arrested by her beauty. Brunette with short hair, roundish face, dark eyes, a beauty spot on her lower cheek, and sumptuous figure.  In my less than perfect foreign language I began, aided by 7 or 8 drinks in my belly, the flirtation. My colleagues bid me good night and, with a chuckle, good luck.

Each time I ventured with a new verbal advance, she smiled sweetly, parried and shook her head. After 2 hours, even to my muddled brain, I was getting nowhere. Beyond being her late night entertainment of course.

But the dance continued. Never say I give up easily. Then, precisely at 7:03 am, she smiled once more, said good-bye, and up and left. It was time to go home.

It was time for me to go to bed.