My Christmas Witch List

Boudica_Modern_by_quickreaver

Boudica_Modern_by_quickreaver

I have decided to revisit certain posts from time to time. Call them a Marty-Replay.  Posts I like. Or I’m happy with how they were written and catch the moment just right. Or are particularly relevant even now. But mostly that I like. Here’s the 1st.

Beautiful Boudicca. I wish I could call you mine. But no, I can’t.

When you arrived late to the gathering, I found myself at the other end. Trapped, away from you. I saw you glance my way so many times. And send me smiles and eye missives.

Finally you motioned for me to come to you. It had been over 4 months since I had even seen you or talked to you. And now talk we did. Standing nose to nose for more than 30 minutes, we caught up.

But it was much more than catching up. I saw the repeated flicker of want in your pale blue eyes.  I peered beneath the exterior, glimpsing into your depths.

I have always known of your powers. We are few who recognize. And my knowledge gives you pleasure.

I wonder if you and Cassandra would get along. Celtic princesses, mystic sisters of the same spirit.  Your pale blue, her olive green. The Artist and the Warrior. You would know each other and understand, identify. But you two are very different. I wonder.

Then your husband grew impatient. And drew you away.

I await your text. Or are you awaiting mine?

 

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Mon Beau Papillon

Viceroy_Butterfly[1]You have now alit mon beau papillon.

I am so at a loss.

I want to protect you, shield you, help you. But I cannot.  All you are going through right now would overwhelm anyone. The personal traumas, the work, and now the missing love.

And you call out for your old self. She was always there you say now. I know she never left. That, I always knew. You liked to pretend she was gone. You flit back and forth, totally  committed one day. Disappearing the next.

“We’re quite the contrast,” I say.

“Opposites attract,” you smirk.

Ice Floes

The wind, gentle and cool for some time, now feels like it is picking up. In all directions.  It’s not ice cold yet, but I can feel it coming. The temperature is most certainly dropping.  The seasons have changed. As the wind intensifies, the crack that split our common ice floe slowly, steadily, yet inexorably drifts us further apart. The barely noticeable daily current of our lives pushes us further away, as well.  And the wind from the Nor’ Eastericeshelf_01[1] could be chilling you to the bone, I think.

The airport chats, the personal video, in the end rather than expressions of caring and thought, leave us unsatisfied because the point has been either forgotten, or simply lost.

Goodbye.

The Dilemma

ISV-Dilemma-resized-600[1]I’m really attentive and good at understanding the written word.  If I do say so myself, I’m a pretty accomplished “read between the lines”  kind of man, too. Then just as important, there are the times you need to comprehend what wasn’t said. The dilemma I always have, is figuring out when each is more appropriate. Because they usually don’t go together.

But Why Would You Lie?

2471696451_81c9547574_o[1]It hurt me when I realized you now only think of me in shades of dark. How did that happen?

You always hated that I wouldn’t let you get away with your notorious double standard. I remember that time you lashed out, and told me I reminded you of your first. You knew that would sting.

I think you really expected I would play nice after that. Change completely for you. Did you really think my logical mind would ever leave the building just because you wished it to? At your convenience?

You liked to chide me because of my logic and analytics. Leave that all behind you lectured. But I can be guided by emotions and intuition, too. So much better than you acknowledge. And I let your emotion and intuition win out in October. Despite the pain it caused us. I never questioned the torrent of tears you shed. I was a rock of support.

Yes, you like your men weak. For a while.The ones you play with. Revel in the control. But the keepers are strong and question you. They don’t let you have your way all the time, like the spoiled girl you feel you ought to be.  They don’t let you always be right. You often just get  lazy with your choice in men. Perhaps it’s because you have had to overcome so much, you tend to reject any more struggle. Until you become bored.

You were never bored with me were you.

But why would you lie? You’ve never really done that before. When I obviously know the truth and my memory unflappable. Did the shock-hurt-regret suddenly overcome your innate ability to coyly fib,  twist and lead away from the truth? You immediately shut down. That only happens when you are extremely upset. And there is no call for that now. We’re way past that point.

Let’s Leave It Alone

“Can you call?” the text read.

I had prepared myself for this, and had firmly made up my mind. No, I couldn’t. I would not. But as is usual with you, when you catch me unaware, I’m putty. So yes, I did call.

You said you needed to explain what you meant. Actually no, you didn’t. That was just a feeble excuse. But you want that connection still to be there. You need it. You are beginning to see that. And you wanted to confide.

I guess I opened the door gently with my text earlier in the week, didn’t I? It was time and I needed to tell you.

I have to admit, it was very nice to hear your voice. It’s been a while. I know it made you happy to hear mine, too. Probably even more than you expected. I imagined your smile when you heard me. As you made me laugh.

You have so many layers. Not levels. Layers. They twist, turn, dive, and soar across that wild psyche of yours.  That’s how I fell in love, dealing with the fun, frustration, and fury of those layers. Your mental tectonic plates that rise and dip and cause continental shifts in your attitude and actions. But in a heartbeat, not an eon. Even you admit I know you better than almost anyone. I studied hard.

That’s why we disagree. You don’t know we do, but we do. You think you have permanently changed. Or at least you are trying to believe you have.  And have me assume it, as well. But I know better. I know you. I understand you. I used to get sucked in by your earnest words. Because when you speak them, you actually do believe them. Mostly. Not totally.

But time will tell, won’t it? Who knows you better in the longer term? But let’s leave it alone for now.

Boudicca

Boudica_Modern_by_quickreaver

Boudica_Modern_by_quickreaver

Beautiful Boudicca. I wish I could call you mine. But no, I can’t.

When you arrived late to the gathering, I found myself at the other end. Trapped, away from you. I saw you glance my way so many times. And send me smiles and eye missives.

Finally you motioned for me to come to you. It had been over 4 months since I had even seen you or talked to you. And now talk we did. Standing nose to nose for more than 30 minutes, we caught up.

But it was much more than catching up. I saw the repeated flicker of want in your pale blue eyes.  I peered beneath the exterior, glimpsing into your depths.

I have always known of your powers. We are few who recognize. And my knowledge gives you pleasure.

I wonder if you and Cassandra would get along. Celtic princesses, mystic sisters of the same spirit.  Your pale blue, her olive green. The Artist and the Warrior. You would know each other and understand, identify. But you two are very different. I wonder.

Then your husband grew impatient. And drew you away.

I await your text. Or are you awaiting mine?

 

Quicksilver

QuicksilverIt will, of course, devastate New Boy when it happens. He believes, and has you convinced, that he accepts this way you are. Since he won’t have to face it for who knows how long, it will just slide below the surface. Never spoken of. Something from the past. You say those needs are now nonexistent. But nobody is fooling anybody.

When you tell Old Boy he is going to be so upset. But he will try to hide it. Your smile and a warm hug will help a bit. He’ll say how happy he is for you and wish you well. And then go away and silently cry. You say Past Boy is happy for you too, and it has given him hope. None of that is true, but I suspect he understands you, and will just bite his tongue and continue to be patient. I don’t know if you plan on telling Young Buck, but if you do I imagine he’ll just shrug his shoulders and nod. He’s been through it at least twice before. While he can never have enough of you, he’s just happy that he gets any. He knows you’ll be back. He knows this part of you.

You made me chuckle when I asked about Forever Boy. You get so defensive when I push your hot buttons. You don’t hide it very well. I get as much from what you don’t say as what you do.

But what is really telling is you actually believe what you told me. For the most part. That’s the thing that took me so long to adjust to. The total conviction you have right up to the reversal. And you are always so convincing and demand the utmost faith. That’s what set us off a year ago. I hadn’t understood it fully.

We’ll see if New Boy can handle it. It will be especially tough since he possesses you like no other has. He may think he is prepared, but time and the stratospheric highs will lull his defenses and inflate his ego. Deep down he trusts you when you say it won’t happen. But it will.

It won’t be pretty.

The Severance

You know I am so much better once I understand. Understanding is everything for me.

I finally put all the pieces together. Perhaps they fit too well. My overthinking and all. The secret you kept from even me. Why we were never going to complete. I didn’t understand that. Why you could never make a commitment to me. I was never able to think it all through. Until now. Here I was thinking you would commit to others, and not me. Yet I knew you loved me.

I know at times you thought you could, but you were always fighting it, and deep down you didn’t want to. You well knew what I wanted from you. What I needed. The others had no such need. You couldn’t let go of that final cord to him. It was the only direct connection that remained in your heart. It was your secret, and I hadn’t fathomed it.

I comprehend now why this year was different. Why more tears over the roses. That confused me. I knew it had nothing to do with me. But what, then?

It had only come out with him. You didn’t want to reveal that. It was a loss of control and that’s why the story was never finished. But now you had decided to sever that last unique linkage. Just not with me. I always knew you needed it. It was deeply buried within your soul and I sensed it from the beginning. As we grew closer I felt it even more. Every time we squabbled and you came back even closer, it was reinforced. With the right man it would come out. You would blossom. I had hoped I would be that man. But it is another. That is less important than you. You are taking an important step in your recovery and I love that you have. You will be better because it is your missing piece. And finally you are adding it.The puzzle is done. Paradoxically it is liberating, part of the freedom you so long to have.