in a state I enjoy right now
your daydreaming state.
and I love it that you have that ability
She can do that. Know what’s going on in my brain even when we are many hundreds of miles apart.
It is frightening. Unworldly. Disconcerting.
You know I am so much better once I understand. Understanding is everything for me.
I finally put all the pieces together. Perhaps they fit too well. My overthinking and all. The secret you kept from even me. Why we were never going to complete. I didn’t understand that. Why you could never make a commitment to me. I was never able to think it all through. Until now. Here I was thinking you would commit to others, and not me. Yet I knew you loved me.
I know at times you thought you could, but you were always fighting it, and deep down you didn’t want to. You well knew what I wanted from you. What I needed. The others had no such need. You couldn’t let go of that final cord to him. It was the only direct connection that remained in your heart. It was your secret, and I hadn’t fathomed it.
I comprehend now why this year was different. Why more tears over the roses. That confused me. I knew it had nothing to do with me. But what, then?
It had only come out with him. You didn’t want to reveal that. It was a loss of control and that’s why the story was never finished. But now you had decided to sever that last unique linkage. Just not with me. I always knew you needed it. It was deeply buried within your soul and I sensed it from the beginning. As we grew closer I felt it even more. Every time we squabbled and you came back even closer, it was reinforced. With the right man it would come out. You would blossom. I had hoped I would be that man. But it is another. That is less important than you. You are taking an important step in your recovery and I love that you have. You will be better because it is your missing piece. And finally you are adding it.The puzzle is done. Paradoxically it is liberating, part of the freedom you so long to have.
This has not been a good winter. The weather here has been non stop cold and tempestuous. For the first time in memory I am so ready for spring. And my emotional and mental state ought to be quite fragile. My whole world has been assaulted from every front. And yet I am holding up well. Too well I’d say.
Despite all the sadness to come my way recently, there have been no tears. None. Barely a fight to even stop any welling. I am serene almost. And I’m no Buddhist. And I don’t sleep. This is not my way. Perhaps it was the preparation. Or past history. Somehow I have buried all the wrenching raw feelings I should have in some far away locked-down recess of my mind. Apparently not even I have the key. Personal sorrow earlier I took in stride. Like it was an everyday occurrence.
The day my plane should have left, it barely registered on me. It was just not going to happen. That’s just how it is, and let’s move on.
All this raw emotion is buried deep in personal bedrock like waste radioactive nuclear fuel. I wonder what its half life is?